America's Next Top Model
Cher's Final Say!
by Cher

Ah…this season of America's Next Top Model comes to a close and we have the ending of another cycle of America’s Next Top Model, a reality television show which has had such a profound impact on my life.  For example, it was my birthday on Friday and all day long I ran around Laura-like screaming:  IT’S MY BIRTHDAY, EVERYBODY LOVES MEEEEE ON MY BIRTHDAY!” (until I was arrested for disturbing the peace) and I almost had a Laura-like breakfast of Spam and eggs until I realized how gross that would be and instead opted for the traditional birthday breakfast of a large slurpee and chocolate chip cannoli   Hey, it’s my birthday.

Tyra Mail!  If a model falls in a forest, will anyone hear it?  (probably not cause they only weigh like, 80 pounds)….Here are your scripts, memorize your lines for tomorrow.  It’s Cover Girl commercial time and didn’t we already have one of those?   The two remaining girls go to the shoot where they are greeted by Jay Manual who appears to be dressed as a limejuice squeeze bottle (green is just not his color) are told they will be doing their Cover Girl commercial and print ad today.  Jay trolls out Teyona, last year’s winner who apparently is so bad, they didn’t even have her do commercials, and she spouts off some badly written lines about some Cover Girl product and I realize why we haven’t had any commercials.  This girl makes Saleisha look good for god’s sake.  Well, no actually.  NO ONE ever had the power to make Saleisha look good.  I withdraw my previous statement.  It’s my birthday.

But let’s go back to talking about the two girls we actually like. In this commercial, Nicole and Laura will be hiking in a field whilst promoting Lash Blast mascara, which makes about as much sense as cream cheese and wool sweaters.  I don’t know what that means but it’s my birthday and everybody loves me on my birthday dammit.  Jay will be directing the commercial and Nigel Barker is once again trotted out as a photographer they don’t have to pay extra to.  Nicole does great on her photo shoot and smizes (I feel dirty just typing that word, damn you Tyra!) Meanwhile Laura is a little frustrated on her commercial but dang, the girl photographs well.  She interviews that “when dyslexic people are frustrated, it makes it worse” and did you know that she was dyslexic?  Cause I swear that they never mentioned it at all yet.  She does very well though and has energy.  During Nicole’s commercial, Jay mentions she comes across as snooty but pulls it off.  Meanwhile, Nigel tells Laura to think of happy things on her photo shoot and she thinks of “milkshakes” and “little baby cats”.  Pervy Nigel is a bit peeved that none of these things have anything to do with sex.  Seriously.  After the shoots and commercials, the girls are greeted by the ever-homely Ann Shoket for their Seventeen Cover shoot and the photographer is that thick-accented old guy that Tyra seems to love so much, whose name I am too tired to look up so I’ll call him Gisele Saint BraBroom-blah-blah.  There.  Covered that up well I think. Nothing interesting happens.

Back at the house, there’s a knock at the door and it’s Tyra who is all ready to make the girls cry with her psychobablicious one-on-one talkings-to.  Nicole talks to her about being awkward and weird, and a petite model at 5’7 which cracks me right up.  She had to eat her lunch in the bathroom stall to cover up the fact that she had no friends at school.  Laura talks about how she grew up dirt-poor and she loves her Grandma who is very proud of her and how people would call her stupid because she was dyslexic, even her teachers and if you hate either of these girls, your heart is exactly three sizes too small and you probably abuse puppies by stapling antlers to their heads.  I hate you.  Call me.

Time for the runway show!  I can’t for the life of me remember the name of the designer but it’s for the best because her dresses are butt-ugly and she herself is wearing one of my Mom’s old tablecloths while her assistant is fetching in a lime-green moo-moo.  And the models they will be walking with are every contestant that made it to Hawaii!  Which is awesome for them, cause after being booted off, they must have just had to stay on in paradise.  Suck on it bitches!  So we have Jenn, Brittany, Sundai, and Erin, all of whom are interviewed and asked who they want to win and all say Laura, presumably because they have all lost to Nicole at one time or another, miserably.  : )

The runway gets underway.  Eddie Murphy is there because his daughter is modeling and that’s the only reason.  Teyona starts the show and is not a bad walker, she just should never be allowed to speak.  Ever.  Nicole is up first in, I swear to God, Molly Ringwald’s dress from Pretty in Pink.  Words…cannot describe….it seriously almost taken directly from the movie.  Where the hell is Ducky?  Anyhoo, she lumbers a bit but it’s a signature and she does just fine.  Laura comes out in a equally tacky dress with a nude fabric top that even looks bad on figure skaters and a lower mirror-y part.  She is pretty good but does nothing memorable.  The next part of the runway involves the girls walking with fabrics covering their faces and they pull it off at the end of the runway.  It’s good for both, again nothing memorable.  For the finale, all the girls get wet and pose.

Time for the final judging!  The girls enter the elimination room in their tacky prom dresses from hell and I almost expect the Psychedelic Furs to be blasting when I see poor Nicole (and she even has the red hair so it stand out even more).  The runway walks are looked at and both girls did well, Nicole lumbered a bit but it was signature and both Cover Girl photos turn out great as well.  They do the usual side by side photos of some of the seasons’ shoots but they only show ones that will make it about even, cause let’s face it, Nicole kicked everyone’s asses about 99.9% of the time, so some are conveniently left out.  It’s time for deliberations and there’s really nothing interesting they say except they talk a little about body proportions and personality etc.  And it’s time for the winner…..

The winner of the first petite model cycle of America's Next Top Model is………NICOLE! And I for one am impressed because this is the first time a early favorite of mine has ever actually won the damn thing!   Yeah me!  Oh and I guess, yeah her, whatever.  Poor Laura bursts into tears but Tyra does her usual hug thing and tells her how proud she is of her etc.  Nicole busts out with “I’m a dork and I’m America’s Next Top Model!!!!”  which is grand fun to say and I plan on screaming it as much as possible.  And she is the first petite model at 5’7” Tyra reminds her and I guess someone forgot to remind Tyra that Eva Pigford won this thing during a normal cycle and was 5’6”.  Anybody?  Anybody?  Bueller?  I guess the producers forgot too.  Anways Nicole deserved it and I am happy (that I don’t have to look at Tyra again anytime soon).  Yeah me again!  And yeah Nicole, I guess.  Until the next gimmicky season., later shorties!

Comments (0)

Subscribe to this comment's feed

Name

Email

Title

Comment

smaller | bigger

Subscribe via email (registered users only)

I have read and agree to the Terms of Usage.

Add Comment