America's Next Top Model
Danger! Disgusting!
By Cher

Well, it’s the latest America's Next Top Model and I have nothing clever to say about my life, or lack there of, or about the show in general, so I guess I’ll start out by saying I hope everyone had a happy Halloween and gained 10 lbs to make me look thinner by comparison.  So there.

We start off this week with 6 shortie mcshortavitches left and they pull up to their sweet crib to see red tape everywhere marked “danger”. Of course this is a Tyra stunt but the girls, who ain’t the best of actresses pretend to be worried anyways.  They see Tyra who informs them that their house is “disgusting” and as such is condemned (like their modeling careers?) and Hazmat had to be called in.  We get shots of dirty dishes in the sink and clothes on the floor so in essence it’s not different than my apartment right now.  Tyra points out ants to Laura who screams but I’m at once suspicious because they seem pretty big to be ants, and I’m no entomologist but I’m pretty sure that bugs move at some point or another. 

Anyhoo, because they are pigs, the girls are going to….wait for it….think about it….they always go to some exotic locale, like China, London, Italy….none of the above.  The chicas will be taking off to the fashion mecca that is….MAUI.  WTF?  When I think of Maui, I think of hula skirts and fat tourists in t-shirts.  What sort of broke-ass production values does the CW have this year?  Did they spend all their money on Blake Lively’s Implants or fangs for the cast of the Vampire Diaries?  But, I guess the real money can only be spent on the tall leggy models and these shrimpos get to go to Hawaii.  Fun!

We get a graphic of the girls pictures on “Fierce Airlines”, which doesn’t sound all that safe, and the girls land among some gorgeous scenery and a kickass rainbow, so I guess Maui isn’t all that bad.  Tyra Mail!  If you want to catch a break, you’re gonna have to go out there and catch it.  At their new sweet crib, Erin is annoying everybody by singing a song that goes something like “my name’s Nicole and I like art.  My name’s Jen and I like to fart…”  Classy dame, it ends with “My name’s Erin and I kick ass!” which means she somehow got over how utterly crappy she was last episode.  The girls meet up with a couple of hunks and a lovely surfer/model named Sofia and are told they will be learning surfing and will have their picture taken surfing with the hunks.  Nice work if you can get it.  After a quick lesson, it’s time for the surfing photos and Erin surprisingly rocks it, Sundai turns her back to the camera, Brittany does well as does Jennifer.  Then there’s poor Laura who does okay but is turning beet red despite wearing SPF 80!  Erin wins a helicopter tour of the island and takes Nicole and Brittany, then pouts because she didn’t win a tangible thing, so it’s easy to go back to hating her.

Tyra Mail!  Sometimes being all mixed up is a beautiful thing.  The girls go to a sugar cane factory where they meet with Tyra who is sadly back to her Rhoda headscarf look.  She tells them a long story about how people from different races came to Hawaii to harvest sugar cane and when people get together they have sex and make interracial babies.  Seriously, it’s that stupid folks.  The girls will all be mixed races and Tyra will be taking their pictures (again).  Oh how I long for the previous seasons when she did that only once.

The girls are ready to be shot and boy, on the majority of them, their make-up looks gorgeous and I remember why I always thought interracial women were so beautiful.  It’s a big improvement (on most).   The only issues I see are:  No matter what biracial theme they are given, they pretty much are all made up to look the same (darker skin, brown eyes and dark hair), and second, there could be a little controversy as they are pretty much in black-face.

Erin is up first as Tibetan/Egyptian and admits  that she knows nothing about Tibet except it needs to be freed (and I have to admit that’s all I know). She looks gorgeous but is too posey. Laura, our sunburned blonde is painted to look Mexican and Greek and looks just as gorgeous as Erin but is a little awkward and then tells Tyra to be “brutally honest” to her.  Then pulls it off.  But let’s face it, it’s the same hair color and skin color as Erin’s.  Nicole at least gets some big hair out the deal and is Malaysian/Japanese and has…say it with me now…the same painted skin color as Erin and Laura. But she rocks it like the proverbial chair.  Jennifer must have been given a different make-up artist because her skin is far darker and streaked badly as Botswanian/Polynesian.  Also I can see streaks of her own skin on her chest.  It’s poorly done and she doesn’t do well either.  Brittany is Native American/East Indian and get this, wears a feathered headdress.  Nice Tyra.  She looks good but struggles and is all sorts of stiff.  Finally we have Sundai who is Russian/Moroccan and she struggles as well.

Tyra Mail!  Someone’s going to have to take their tiki torch and leave the island.  At the judges panel, the guest judge is Kristy Hume who looks an awful lot like Gwenneth Paltrow and it’s time for individual evaluations:

Jennifer looks good but the angle is all wrong for her.  Laura is stunning and was really grateful for the skin paint as she was fried from the sun.  Erin struggled too much and didn’t pull it off.  Brittany lacks energy and was just ‘there’.  The judges love Sundai but I see it as boring as boring can be and what is that girl still DOING here?  Seriously, is it because she’s the shortest?  I’ve heard rumors that she was being set up to win this thing (like when they chose Whitney because she was plus-sized) and if so, that’s unfortunate, because this girl is the shortest and she looks short in pictures and her pictures bore me. Anyhoo that’s my rant, feel free to comment.  Nicole does awesome as usual. 

After deliberations, we have eliminations and first called is Nicole, followed by Jennifer, Laura, Sundai (seriously why?) and we are down to Erin and Brittany.  In the end, 40 year old Brittany is sent packing and goes home to do all sorts of math and be boring.  

Next week on America's Next Top Model:  More whining in Hawaii!

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