American Idol
Auditions in Arizona

American Idol is back!!!!!!!!  I have to say that watching these initial auditions in Arizona can be so painful.  But it's so worth it when once in awhile some crazy talented (or just plain crazy) person shows up, or Simon and Paula fight – whichever!

Our first stop on the cross-country audition is Phoenix, Arizona.  To set the mood, they show a rattlesnake, a girl in a bikini, and sweat on wattle.  We're reminded that Jordin Sparks came from Arizona.  Then we're introduced to new judge Kara DioGuardi, a prolific pop songwriter who has worked with past idols (basically a female David Foster).  Kara and Paula seem to get along great, which only adds to the sorority vibe because they have identical hair and make up.  However, it looks like Paula is trying to experiment with a new look because she inexplicably puts on Randy-looking shades throughout the course of the auditions.  Here's a recap of the memorable auditions:

ARIZONA DAY 1

Vietnamese Kid with a Fro
The first contestant is Twan Win, who sings “The Way You Make Me Feel”.  It starts off okay, but then dissolves into a family reunion-worthy dance routine.  He's not terrible, but they judges kind of rip him apart.

Pink-Haired Rocker
Emily Hughes sings “Barracuda” by Heart, which Simon admits it's a really hard song to sing.  Paul says she will make the top five!  Simon is actually smiling when he gives her a yes.  Kara holds up five fingers and yells “Four yeses!”  Oh God, this season is gonna be great!

Rock Star in a Box
Randy Madden is a 28-year-old rocker who looks about twice his age, though he does have pretty blue eyes.  He cries through half his interview and sings what Simon describes as a “wimpy” version of “Livin' on a Prayer”.  Simon tells him he's a drama queen despite his tattoos and bandannas.  He cries his way out of the audition and I continue to be impressed by Ryan Seacrest's ability to deal with hysterical rejectees.

A Filipino Crooner Who Can Actually Sing
J.B. Ahfua sings “Flying Without Wings”, a song recorded by Ruben Studdard and Simon Cowell's group West Life.  Everyone thinks he as a great voice, but Simon tells him he has to loosen up.

Constipated Singer
Michael Gerr is really really scared of the judges – a winning attitude for an American Idol!  Then he sings CARRIE UNDERWOOD with a very strange Shakira/Britney voice.  Remember, this is a guy.  Who looks like a hobbit.  Yes, it is weird.  Then he sings a song by Kara DioGaurdi and she is sincerely freaked out by it.  This guy sounds like an alien!

We then see a montage of people butchering songs by Tears for Fears, Celine Dion and Dionne Warwick to the point that the melodies are completely unrecognizable.

First Mentally Unstable Person of the Season
X-Ray is nuts and he sings an original song named “Cactus Baby” with non-sensical lyrics, a clap break and a whole bunch of ridiculous/spastic/insane dance moves.  He also introduces America to a new catch phrase: “Swinga della doo!”

Pretty Teen Girl with Shiny Hair
Arianna Afsar has a really great smile and heart, founding a community organization called “Adopt a Grandfriend.”  Awwwwwwww.  She's sixteen and sings Corinne Bailey Rae's “Put Your Records On” in a very sweet voice.  Simon is smiling his teeth off.  She makes it to Hollywood.

This season we're also treated to some random staff member sitting in the chair who gives contestants their Hollywood passes.  Who is this lady?!  We'll call her Hollywood Lady.  Will she be at every city or will there be many different Hollywood Ladies/Gentlemen?  Only time will tell.

ARIZONA DAY 2

22-Year-Old Barry White
Move over, James Earl Jones!  Elijah Scarlett woke up at age 14 with a craaaaazy low bass voice.  He sings “My First, My Last, My Everything” on the same note and sounds like a whale.

Ditzy Redhead in a Pink Cowgirl Outfit
Lea Marie is a sixteen-year-old girl who has written over 100 original songs and is Kara's biggest fan!!!!!!!!!!  She shows Kara her three-ring binder of songs and sings “Every Time We Touch” by Cascada.  It's  awkward, mediocre and Simon is totally annoyed by her.

Requisite Rendition of Etta James' “At Last”
Stevie Wright was named after Stevie Nicks and she actually has the right alto voice for this song even though she's only 16! All the judges are impressed, but Simon tells her that she has to “grow teeth” to make it in a competition.  Kara says that Stevie's “her girl” and Paula says she has a Kelly Clarkson thing going on.

White Dude Sings Boyz II Men
Michael Sarver is an oil rigger (fifth most dangerous job in the world) and a family man.  He looks country, but  pulls out the R&B charm.  Everyone loves him and Simon tells him he has likability going for him.

We have another montage of people singing at the top of their lungs  and through their noses.

Bikini Girl
We automatically want to hate Katrina Darrell because she is using her body to get ahead.  Gross!!!  She tells Ryan she is going to make out with him if she gets a pass to Hollywood and singlehandedly sets women's rights back about 100 years.  And it's all very unfortunate because she sings Mariah Carey's “Vision of Love” and actually does a decent job.  The guys say yes and Kara tells her she doesn't have the swing.  She makes it to Hollywood and Ryan looks completely terrified/disgusted/uncomfortable as she goes in to claim her kiss.  Because he's GAY, people.

Un-Sexual Chocolate
Eric Thomas aka “Sexual Chocolate” sings Stevie Wonder in the most high school talent show way.  He doesn't get Hollywood, so his mom is going to buy him a car.  Paula is inexplicably wearing a pair of aviator sunglasses indoors.

“SIM-ME”
Brianna Quijada sings “Let's Hear it for the Boys” and it wasn't good. She gets a second chance by calling Simon “Sim-me” (pronounced “sigh-meeh”).  Huh?  Somehow she makes it through because she has a cute personality.

They show a montage of people's family members supporting them at the auditions.  Doesn't anyone have a job anymore?!  Oh right, we're in a recession....

Blue Eyed Soul
Deanna Brown sings Otis Redding and she has a husky Joss Stone vibe going on.  She makes it through!

Horror Film Making Pop Star
Cody Sheldon sounds like Jesse McCartney, looks like a girl and directs homemade horror films.  It's totally weird.  BUT HE'S GOOD, so he makes it through!

Closeted Singer
Alex Wagner-Trugman sings like Clay Aiken with more soul.  He taught himself to sing in a closet, where he got sick from the mold.  And he's awkward funny – Judd Apatow, please cast this guy in a film when Michael Cera gets past his prime.  Everyone loves him except for Simon, but the geek makes it through anyway!

There's a montage of people singing Bon Jovi's “Dead or Alive” (it's this season's “Feelin Good”).

Blind Guy
In our first fuzzy wuzzy story of the season, Scott MacIntyre is a blind singer-songwriter who was trained as a classical pianist.  He also went to college at 14 and graduated at 19 – wow, a contestant with brains!  He sings “And So It Goes” by Billy Joel with a dulcimer Josh Groban ttenor going on.  He gets a unanimous yes.

And that's it for AZ – 72 tickets to Hollywood!!!  Overall, Kara fit in seamlessly as the new judge and the auditions weren't too cringe-worthy or chill-worthy, but it was a good first episode.

Tune in again tonight for more American Idol on FOX at 8/7c.

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