aug13 BIP
By Sammi Turano

Hello and welcome to Bachelor in Paradise on ABC. It’s time for more drama, roses and hook ups as everyone tries to find love in Mexico. The intro will never fail to make me laugh and weep for humanity at the same time.

We open with the girls trying to have Jack Stone guess what they are putting in his mouth—papaya, jalapeño, candy with hot sauce and some sort of fish. Yeah—I don’t get it either.

Jasmine is throwing herself on Matt and she needs to realize that this is not attractive behavior.

Christen from Nick’s season—the virgin—arrives with a date card. Jasmine seems to hate her for some reason and the fact that Christen asks Matt out doesn’t help matters.

Jasmine freaks out and says Christen is pretty much wasting her time. She confronts her, but Christen said Matt said he was open to a date, which makes Jasmine even angrier. Christen gets upset and talks to the other girls. Jasmine complains to the guys and Wells—Alexis is there too, so I guess she is team Jasmine?

The date looks boring and I tune Jasmine’s complaining out….when Matt and Christen return, Jasmine jumps Matt and I just can’t with this BS anymore.

Wells gives a puppet show telling the story of Christen and Jasmine and I nearly have an accident from laughing so hard.

Everyone mingles before the rose ceremony and I am out of cares to give at this point. Dean is still going between Kristina and Danielle, Adam is caught between Raven and Sarah and Robby is into Amanda.

Taylor talks to Derek about something psychological and it causes drama….she is crying, he is confused and who knows if they will stay together.

Is anything going to happen? Like…at all? I’ve already finished dinner, made a drink, did my nails and got ice cream and literally nothing has happened. This season sucks!

Derek and Taylor make up.

I don’t really know what scallop fingers means and I really don’t care at this point.

Are we ever going to have a rose ceremony? This is beyond ridiculous.

Is Matt leaving? He can’t seem to decide what or who he wants….holy crap, he IS leaving. I can’t say I blame him though.

Christen is crying now because she is worried about what will happen. Taylor is actually very sweet to her and clams her down.

Are we even having a rose ceremony? These past two hours have been a waste of time.

Jack Stone and Christen make out and I guess she is safe now? They actually seem like they will be cute together.

And Daniel the Canadian arrives, no rose ceremony and I need to go through ll this again tomorrow. Luckily, my sister-in-law spoils me and keeps me well stocked in alcohol. Stay tuned!

Wells and his puppets though….

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