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BACHELOR IN PARADISE: RECAP FOR AUGUST 14, 2017BACHELOR IN PARADISE
RECAP FOR AUGUST 14, 2017

By Sammi Turano


Hello and welcome to Bachelor In Paradise on ABC. This is the season premiere, which was delayed due to scandal. We will hear all about the most dramatic season EVER….but first we have to meet everyone.

Almost paradisseeeeeeee…….no, just no with this beginning. What in the name of sweet justice am I watching? Why am I doing this sober? Why are they getting rid of Jorge after this episode?

Let’s meet everyone!

Raven: Nick’s season—she is over her heartbreak from Nick and hopes to find a husband.
Dean: The third runner up from Rachel’s season.
Kristina: Russian chick from Nick’s season who is now blonder.
Danielle: The blonde one from Nick’s season.
Ben: The one from Kaitlyn’s season that wasn’t the Bachelor.

Raven and Ben talk dogs and get their drink on….I feel like this is already her second or third drink, not judging, but seems like they are really throwing them back.

Iggy: Some dude from Rachel’s season that seems to have a bromance with Dean.
Jasmine: Nick’s season….don’t remember her whatsoever.
Jack Stone: People think he is a serial killer? Um, what? Anyway, another dude from Rachel’s season.
Alexis: Shark/dolphin girl from Nick’s season.

They all sit in a circle and gossip, sing kumbaya, whatever. I heard it both ways.

DeMario: He is still Bill Clinton-ing it up by saying he did not have sexual relations—er, a relationship with that woman Lexi-crasher-of-reality-shows. You know what? Who cares. Many people on this show had relationships or bed buddies back home. He was just used for the drama. They attack him right away and not condoning anything, but that’s a bit harsh. Don’t like half the girls this season have boyfriends? Hypocritical much?

Raven pretty much attacks him and he tries to be nice to her, but she isn’t having any of it. Sheesh, shut UP, Raven.

Derek: Dude from JoJo’s season who cried as Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina played in the background.
Alex: Chad’s enemy from JoJo’s season that people seem to hate.
Corrine: Business owner with a nanny, platinum vagine and cheese pasta/nap fetish.

Everyone is happy to see Corrine and her ever impressive Spanish skills.

Aw, Dean and Kristina hit it off.

Lacey: Camel girl from Nick’s season.
Vinny: Kaitlyn’s season and BIP from last season.
Diggy: Rachel’s season.

We see DeMario and Corrine apparently hit it off….he massages her shoulders and they are very touchy feely.

Matt: Penguin dude from Rachel’s season.
Nick: Santa dude from JoJo’s season.

Jasmine and some dude are now kissing, but she wants to take it slow.

Amanda: Ben’s season, BIP from last season, Josh’s ex fiance. At least she returns the ring?
Taylor: Corrine’s mortal enemy.

Amanda talks about her dating failures and I have to say I kind of feel bad for her. I personally wouldn’t go on TV to find a man if I were a mommy, (I’m even careful about who I date in real life as a GODMOTHER!) but to each their own.

Corrine and DeMario are in the pool kissing and playing around. Alex seems to give commentary and….what? You know what? My sister-in-law just reminded me that we have peppermint schnapps and hot chocolate. That’s more appealing right now.

AWWWW!!! Jorge is leaving for another job. I am so sad….I love Jorge. He is the reason I’ve watched so long. Wells from JoJo’s season is his replacement and I don’t know and I don’t care unless he makes me a mojito.

The ladies will give out roses tonight and the guys are on the chopping block.

Is anything going to even happen? I rushed home from work and food shopping for this?

Kristina gets the first date card and chooses Dean for a night of dinner and mariachi bands.

Danielle opens up to Wells.

I am dying at the fact that Matt’s occupation is ‘penguin.’ I laughed so hard my brother came in to see what the heck was so funny.

Aw, Lacey and Iggy are so cute together.

Nick is too drunk for Jasmine’s taste, so he moves on to Taylor and she moves on to Matt.

Aw, Lacey has to leave due to a death in her family. My condolences. She tells Iggy that she has to leave and she seems more upset over that than the death in her family. Uhhhhh….now Iggy wonders if he is going to get a rose. Does anyone even care about her grandma? SHEESH!

Robby: JoJo’s season…he was a finalist who left with a broken heart. He has a date card and gives it to Raven. Why the hell does he have a Trump combover? Anyway, the date goes well and they seem to hit it off. However, she seems more into Ben.

Jasmine and Matt go on a date that ends with him in drag…yeah, I don’t know.

Everyone preps for the rose ceremony and it’s boring. However, things pick up when the cameras stop rolling, leaving everyone wondering what is going on, especially when Corrine and DeMario pulled away.

Stay tuned tomorrow!

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