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HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, BETTY WHITE!: GOLDEN GIRLS FLASHBACKSHAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, BETTY WHITE!
GOLDEN GIRLS FLASHBACKS

SEASON 1, 13-14
Sophia enters the kitchen wearing a pink suit and holding a suitcase; which she holds open to… pack jars of clam sauce in? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON RIGHT NOW!  Then Dorothy comes in and asks her what in the Hell is she doing; turns out that Sophia’s headed to her son Phil’s place and his wife doesn’t cook, because she works all day to feed their ten kids. Wow… someone beat the Pike family? Dorothy tells her to be happy about the fact she gets to see her grandson graduate from school; and Sophia’s less than pleased it’s actually an animal school. 


Blanche enters then; with a new way to meet men, she’s taking a CPR class. That’s… actually creative, I have to say. Rose follows soon after; dressed to the nines in a green dress and she’s going on a date with her new man, Johnathon. The girls tease her that it must be getting serious; they’ve been out at least five times in the last three weeks. And even though Rose really seems to like this guy; she’s still refusing to let the ladies meet him, only telling them that he works at the grief center with her as a shrink. Then Sophia ends up going to the airport; as Dorothy tells her not to argue with Phil’s wife. 


Cut to Rose and Blanche setting the table in the yard; with Rose clearly angry as Hell at Blanche for SOME REASON! We learn that Blanche called up Johnathon and invited him over for dinner; because Rose cancelled the three other times they wanted him to come over. Now Rose is all nervous about it, saying that Johnathon’s ‘special’ to her and warns the girls not to embarrass her at all.  While Rose goes to check dinner, Dorothy and Blanche discuss possibly having Johnathon analyze her dirty dreams and DA HELL? 

The bell rings and its Johnathon and SURPRISE LADIES! HE’S A LITTLE PERSON! He’s played by Brent Collins; who sadly only guest starred on two other shows before he died at forty-six.  (According to Wikipedia; he was a dwarf that was also diagnosed with Marfan syndrome; which caused him to rapidly grow in size, leading to a fatal attack. It’s extremely rare and only a few cases have been reported. It’s such a tragedy, because he really was good in this episode and I’m sure he could have gone far with his career.) 


Anyway, Blanche confuses him with a little boy and slams the door in his face. The bell rings again and this time, Dorothy answers and she’s shocked over his height. Rose comes in and Blanche starts to think that Rose hired a short actor to play Johnathon because she was mad that Blanche invited him over without asking.  When she finally gets that he’s the real deal; then Blanche says she wishes she were dead. This leads to Dorothy and Blanche going into the kitchen and laughing their butts off at the situation. They collect themselves long enough to swear not to be self-conscious about Johnathon anymore and as they come out with the food… Blanche asks who wants shrimp. And this causes her to do a complete 180 back into kitchen, making Johnathon tell Rose that he’ll have fun teasing her at dinner and asks Dorothy what they are having. Dorothy can barely keep a straight face as she says short ribs. 


After dinner, the short puns keep coming and I’m sorry; but I’m not copying them down. They’re too corny. The girls end up liking John and say that Rose looks smitten with him. John tells them that he’s happy with his size and the happy couple goes to make coffee. Dorothy and Blanche talk about how much they like him; and Sophia ends up coming back home; talking about how her grandson failed out of school, so no graduation. Rose and John come back out and as they introduce him to Sophia, who makes the others nervous about what she’s going to say. It actually goes well, they exchange pleasantries and Sophia tells him that she’s tired. Then she calls Dorothy over and asks if the guy’s a midget and is happy to find out he is she thought she was having another stroke. 


John leaves, asking Rose to dinner the next night; ‘to discuss something IMPORTANT’.  The girls tell her how much they like him and wonder what he has to discuss with her. Rose thinks he’s about to ask her to marry him and this makes Blanche drop a dish in the kitchen. The girls ask her what she’s going to do if he does ask and she has no idea, although she does realize his height is a problem and reveals that it makes her uncomfortable. They sit around the table to talk about it and Blanche reveals that she dated a guy back home that she couldn’t in the open because of bigotry and how she went to the prom with him anyway. Rose says that it took courage to date someone regardless of what others thought about the color of his skin; thinking he was African-American, when Blanche reveals that he was actually a Yankee from New Jersey. 


Rose says that she doesn’t know what to do about John and goes to her room; with the other girls following, telling her to sleep on it. Rose ends up dreaming that she’s marrying John, she’s in her wedding dress already and that Sophia’s preforming the ceremony. This leads to Rose saying that she’s still not sure and then her dead father comes in and HE’S A LITTLE PERSON TOO? THIS IS WEIRD AS HELL! And he’s played by Billy Barty; from Willow, Masters of the Universe, and so many other things! As Rose wonders why her dead father is now a midget; Blanche tells her that his size didn’t matter to her because she loved him; ‘size doesn’t matter when it’s someone you love’. Daddy tells her that he appeared this way to prove that point and ‘to follow her heart, because no one can predict the future’.  ‘But someone can’, says the girls as, and I’m not kidding here: JEANNE DIXON, WORLD FAMOUS PSYCHIC!  COMES IN TO TELL ROSE THAT SHE CAN’T TELL THE FUTURE BETWEEN ROSE AND JOHN AND TO FOLLOW HER HEART! WELL, THANK YOU CAPITAN OBVIOUS! John comes in then, as Rose kicks everyone else out and he tells her that he cares for her and that they can overcome anything and she says she’ll marry him. She wakes up and tells the girls that she’s gonna keep seeing him. They leave, with Sophia telling Rose that they’re all adults; she can let John out of her pillowcase; because they don’t care if he sleeps over. And I legit laughed my ass off at that. 

Cut to Rose and John at the restaurant, where he tells her that he wants to talk about a problem in their relationship, acceptation. She tells him that she accepts that he’s short and he tells her that he can’t see her anymore because… she’s not Jewish? OK, then! Rose is pissed off for a bit, tells him that people stare at him whenever they’re out together and he says he knows because he’s such a snappy dresser, and I laughed at that too. They laugh and talk a bit; and they seem to part on good terms. Then the waiter comes over, asking how the shrimp is and the show closes with Rose saying that she’ll ‘never know’. 



THE GOLDEN GIRLS

SEASON 1, EPISODE 14

THAT WAS NO LADY

It’s nighttime at the house and Sophia and Rose are playing Trivial Pursuit and why am I getting flashbacks of Claudia and Janine playing this in BSC? Anyway, Sophia ends up getting an answer wrong and insists that she’s right about it. She named Dominic Tansy as the fastest human being in the world; because dude apparently got FOUR women knocked up in one night; two in NY, two in NJ! Rose insists that it’s actually Jesse Owens who’s the fastest; but I dunno. Four women in one night is insane!

Blanche comes into the kitchen and says that ‘she’s gonna do something she wanted to do for years’ and Sophia quips if it’s installing a trapeze over her bed and since I’ve already seen Tommy Lee’s ep of Cribs years ago; I already know that’s actually possible these days.  Blanche actually has to think about it for a second before she answers no; that she’s actually buying a beautiful car, she gets needs to sell her old one first. This leads to Sophia telling Rose to buy the car, with Blanche all for it. Rose is unsure however, and says that she wants something that says ‘practical, not ‘available’ and Blanche tells her that she can remove her personalized plates. She offers Rose to try the car for two weeks and says that she’ll take it back if Rose doesn’t want to buy it anymore. 



Dorothy comes in all happy; asking Blanche to do her nails, Rose to borrow her pearls and Sophia to stay out of it. She has a date with a new guy named Glen O’Brian and SURPRISE! He’s not Italian!  He’s a gym teacher at the school she’s subbing at and they met while standing on the lunch line and he asked her to dinner. She claims to be ‘in love’ and I roll my eyes; because I’m having flashbacks of snarking BSC books! Blanche says it’s like Dorothy has been ‘struck by lightning’ and that’s its love at first sight. Rose says that she’s been hit by it too; when she first met her husband Charlie. They were kids and Charlie sold insurance on her wagon, right before hogs trampled it! Then he paid for a new wagon; even though her ‘policy didn’t cover acts of swine’. 


Cut to Dorothy and Glen at a hotel, getting dressed. I’M GUESSING THE DATE WENT WELL, THEN?! (Glen’s played by actor Alex Rocco; who’s been in everything! Sadly, he died last year.) They’re in the afterglow; with Dorothy talking about how amazing she feels about him and how close they’ve gotten in only three weeks. She also mentions how much she’s happy that she can make love with him in the daylight; without fear of him seeing her naked and it’s a sweet scene for a while. They talk about being in love and how they’re completely comfortable with each other, and she tells him that they should cut school and run away together; but Glen says he can’t. He says that he has something to tell her… HE’S MARRIED! FREAKING REALLY? This leaves Dorothy stunned; AS WELL SHE SHOULD BE; and he tells that the marriage ‘was over years ago and he stayed for the kids’, to which she screams at him that they’re adults. Glen tells her that he wants to leave, it’s just hard and that he couldn’t lie to her anymore. 


Dorothy storms out and we cut back to the house; where Rose is telling Blanche that her car is making funny noises. Blanche lies her butt off and says it’s okay and that there’s no need to call a mechanic for anything and Sophia says that she wishes she had a call to sell to Rose too! The phone rings and it’s for Dorothy; it’s the fourth time Glen’s called that day. Rose doesn’t want to have to tell him what Dorothy told her too; but she’s forced to repeat that she’ll never be home alone or something like that. Anyway, it turns out it’s actually Dorothy’s boss asking her to come back to work and Rose stupidly tells the guy that she thought he was the man that Dorothy was having an affair with. She hangs up and Dorothy tells the girls that she’s not ready to go back to work yet. Rose tells her that she did the right thing by breaking up with Glen and Blanche disagrees with her; saying that she doesn’t think anyone’s getting hurt by this, as long as they’re discreet. Then she says that ‘life doesn’t always work out the way you thought’ and they shouldn’t be passing judgment on Dorothy. 



Glen ends up calling for Dorothy and both girls are in her ear telling her what to do. She ends up hanging up on him, with Rose saying that she’s proud of her. Blanche and Rose leave to go start dinner and while they’re gone, Dorothy calls Glen back to tell him she misses him and they make a date; as Rose comes in and Dorothy pretends she’s talking to her boss about going back to work. 


Cut to Dorothy coming home from a date and running into Rose coming from the kitchen. Rose finds out she was with Glen and they run into separate rooms. They come back out and Dorothy tells Rose that she went to a motel and Rose passes judgement on her. They both end up in the kitchen for a snack and Blanche ends up coming in too; all the while with Rose making cracks about Dorothy and Glen. Because she turned into Dawn from the BSC now. Blanche tells them about her cousin that cheated with a married man for fifteen years until the wife ended up shooting him… in his… boxers! This makes Rose get all high and mighty about ‘evil is as evil does’ and THIS ISN’T YOUR BUSINESS! YOU MAY NOT AGREE WITH WHAT’S GOING ON, I MAY NOT EITHER; BUT IT’S NOT OUR BUSINESS! 


Dorothy says as much, and adds that Rose can’t judge because she’s never gone through something like that herself; but Blanche has. Blanche tells her that she never fooled around with a married man before, because it’s sooo not worth it. Especially since the guy always ends up ‘giving the expensive gifts to the wife’. Dorothy tells the girls that she loves him and can accept the rest. Sophia ends up coming in and she’s not too thrilled with Dorothy lately; she tells her that ‘she raised her to have respect for herself and not be someone’s floozy.’ She does have a point; because all this sneaking around can’t be making Dorothy feel too good about herself at all. 


Cut to the yard, with Sophia listening to Purple Rain by Prince as she sings and does air guitar. And I’m sorry guys, but I couldn’t find a good clip of this. Anyway, Rose comes out all worried about the car. Blanche comes in and tells her that the car’s a lemon and that she can’t sell her it, she only wanted to in order to afford the new car and now she’s feeling guilty about it. Rose tells her that it doesn’t matter anyway, the car’s been stolen. Blanche gets pissed off, until Sophia tells her that if the car was insured, the company will pay for the new one and then the girls make up. 


Dorothy comes in and asks where Sophia hid her shoes. Sophia won’t give them up, and asks when Glen is leaving his wife. Dorothy gets upset and Sophia tells her that is she’s so happy with him, ‘how come she hears her pacing her room at night and if she hates herself’. Dorothy gets so pissed; she bumps Purple Rain up high enough to give Sophia pain in her eardrums. 


Cut to Dorothy and Glen at the hotel and instead of afterglow this time; they’re rushing to make a quick meal before Glen’s due back home. Dorothy wants to talk and tells him she has to end it; she can’t be the other woman. He doesn’t want to stop seeing her, but he also can’t leave his wife because ‘he doesn’t want to be alone at his age.’ Dorothy tells him that she needs to leave, because she knows that the affair won’t end well and they say goodbye. 


Back at home, Sophia’s drying dishes in the kitchen and Dorothy comes in to tell her that it’s over. Sophia’s sorry about it and tells Dorothy that she was worried about her. Blanche and Rose come in, happy about Blanche’s new car. They offer to take everyone driving, but Dorothy wants to just sit and the rest of the girls offer to sit with her. That is until Dorothy wants to go cruising and Blanche offers to take them to a place where guys wrestle butt naked in the mud. Are they WWE wrestlers, might be worth looking into; all I’m sayin’!



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