Evil Brody Reviews the Lion King
As many of you know, I am on a mission to destroy Dad and take over the world. This is my passion; this is what drives me. This however, is not the only thing I care about. Many of you might not know that I am also an amateur movie critic. This helps me get my mind off the pressures that come with world domination, and also I like the popcorn. I want to share with you my review of the greatest movie I have ever seen. Not gone with the wind, not Citizen cane and no not Howard the duck, but that was close. I am, of course, talking about the wonderful movie that is The Lion King.
At its core, the Lion King is the story about how a boy can murder his father and then ascend to the throne. So of course right off the bat this story is going to appeal to me, but beyond that there is so much more for a young ambitious young man like myself to enjoy. Let me start at the beginning. We open our movie with a sunrise, and the Circle of Life song starts to play. Then we have what at first looks like a stampede, but in reality are all the animals of the pride land coming to see the baptism of the king’s first born son. Now I am Jewish, and at first I was hoping this would be more of a bris than a baptism. However, after I thought about it the removal of Simba’s foreskin might be too graphic for a children’s movie, so I understand the choice that Disney made. So we watch a monkey rub some fruit juice on Simba’s head, then he showed the crowd the young prince’s penis to prove that he is eligible to ascend to the throne - because no one wants a woman in charge.
So I get it. This little guy will one day be king and everyone is happy about it, except for Scar. It is the king’s brother and another heir to the throne, afterall. One of these two will take Mufasa’s place as the ruler of pride rock, but which one? The smart money was on scar - he was older. had a full mane and he sounded British. Those guys always get the crown. But don’t count out Simba just yet. He is next in line, he is working on his roar and he seems to believe in some old dead king looking down on him from above, which at least in America seems to be a prerequisite to lead. Basically this comes down to a battle between the ruthless uncle and the plotting prince.
Once this dynamic is set up there are a few fluffy songs and both Simba and Scar work on their rise to power. Scar and Simba know that in order to replace Mufasa you must kill Mufasa, and they lay the ground work of their plan. Scar enlists the help of a bunch of illegal immigrants who seem to have some laughing disorder to kill the king. In exchange for the death of Mufasa, he will grant them amnesty in the pride lands. And maybe if they pay a fine and back taxes he will allow them to have a path to citizenship. Simba on the other hand is taking a less direct approach. He keeps putting himself in deathly situations in the hopes that Mufasa dies while trying to save his life, like what happened at the elephant grave yard. Both plans seem good on paper but have yet to be successful, that is until by chance these plots unite. Simba lures Mufasa in a ravine. Scar starts a stampede and then pushes Mufasa off a cliff and he dies. So far so good and everyone is happy. But unfortunately Simba forgot the first rule of regicide - if you kill the king, kill all the other airs to the throne all well. Also, unfortunately for Simba, this was not a lesson that Scar forgot and immediately turned his attention toward the young prince. Simba realizing that he was no match for Scar at that moment, decided to make a strategic withdrawal.
Mufasa is dead, Scar is now king and Simba is in hiding. This is a setback for Simba’s plan to rule the Pride Lands. He knew that he would have to change his tactics in order to take his rightful place on the throne. He could no longer count on deception. He would have to win the heart and mind of the masses. In order to do that he would have to live for a time as a commoner, become one of the people. To start he found an adorable gay couple to adopt him. This he felt would broaden his appeal. Liberals especially would eat that stuff right up. He then learned to eat what the peasants eat. If eating a lady bug or two was his path to the crown he would gladly pay that price. Then he just bided his time until he became a physical threat to Scar.
After several grueling years being raised in the jungle by Timone and Pumba, Simba finally ran into Nala, his ex-girlfriend. This presented the perfect opportunity to reintroduce himself to his people. Then he lays it on REAL THICK. “Oh Nala, I’m sad my dad is dead. I don’t want to be king. I am going to stay out here and eat ladybugs.” It’s a real show. He did this for a little while to really sell it. Then he play-fights in the woods with Nala to some very soft music, had a conversation about pain with the baptizing monkey and then “changed his mind about becoming the king” and went home.
When Simba returned home he saw the impact of Scar’s reign on the kingdom. The land is ruined and there is no food to eat. That was clearly the result of Scar’s immigration policy. Simba must take the crown from Scar - not just because he deserved it, but because Simba knew that his policies of a secure border were what was best for his people. So Simba confronted Scar with the people behind him and became victorious in his battle with Scar and took the thrown.
Finally, the film ended where it started. The Circle of Life song played, while the baptizing monkey rubbed some juice on a baby’s cubs head and I watched with a tear in my eye knowing that with Simba finally in charge he would make the Pride Lands Great Again.