Chronicles of Evil Brody
Thursday March 30, 2017

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Chronicles of Evil Brody:  I Am Never Going To Drink Again!Chronicles of Evil Brody 
I Am Never Going To Drink Again!

What did I do?  Why did I drink that much?  Why is the room spinning? Please stop yelling!  Saint Patrick’s day 2014 was the best and worst day of my life.  I am going to do my best to try and explain what happened to me and how I got here. But whatever else happens I know one thing for certain, I am never going to drink like that again.  

First of all let me start out by saying that I do not understand Holidays AT ALL.  On some holidays you light some candles, and on others you light a tree.  On some you kill a pumpkin because you are scared and on others you kill a turkey because you are happy.  On Passover you celebrate the death of other people’s children, but on Easter you hide colored eggs because one of them came back, and apparently on Saint Patrick’s day you are legally required to wear green and kiss strangers who either are or are not Irish.

As I woke Monday morning I knew this would be a special day.  Mommy came and got me from bed, which always makes for a great start to a day, and dressed me up in a traditional Irish Attire. I was dressed in a very fancy t-shirt with a green tuxedo design on its front.  I thought to myself when I get married I can only hope my tuxedo shirt on that day looks half as good on me then as this looks on me now.  Then it was off to daycare, and that’s where is all happened. 

Daddy dropped me off early in the morning and I had the entire day planned out as I usually do.  Tactical training for the infants and toddlers, code breaking for the preschoolers… you know A is for Apple, B is for ball and so forth…, and me and my top advisors were planning on spending the entire day figuring out how to deal with Putin’s annexation of the Crimea.  It was clear during my discussions with the President that Obama had no idea how to handle the Russian strong man.  I don’t blame him, he only wanted to be the leader of one country.  I on the other hand was able get inside the mind of Putin, because he and I have the exact same dream.  Destroy My Daddy and Rule the World.  I was planning on using this insight to get Russia out of the Ukraine and to get all the praise and credit I deserve for doing it, then lunch happened. 

{sidebar id=8}Holidays are always fun at daycare otherwise I might have worked through lunch.  Usually on holidays we get a little extra milk in our cups or a nice piece of fruit, but I guess as is customary with Irish tradition we had Apple Juice.  I see daddy drinking apple juice all the time.  He usually drinks Labatt apple juice, but Daycare gave us Mott’s brand.  Oh my God it tasted so good.  I have never tasted anything so good before in my life.  But that wasn’t all.  I started to feel different.  Everything started to feel weird but good.  I started slurring my words, but strangely I also felt more confident, and of course I went back for another glass of apple juice.    If only I had stop there!

After my third cup things really started feeling great.  By my fourth I felt like I could count all the way to 14 without any help.  And by my fifth cup I had all the monkeys fall off the bed at the same time not one at a time like a little baby.  And when it came time to sing now I know my ABC’s I didn’t want anyone else to sing with me, I knew I could sing it all by myself.  But I couldn’t I just made a fool of myself.  On the next round I couldn’t even get to E before making my first mistake and I completely forgot about LMNOP.  Who forgets LMNOP?  Then I did the most embossing thing I have ever done in my life.  I pulled off my diaper and ran around the classroom.  Man I was fast.  First I ran to the door, then I ran to the bathroom.  No one could touch me.  Then I ran from the changing table to cubbies, still no one could catch me. Finally Miss Melanie  was able to corner me next to the sink and I was put into the drunk crib to sober up. 

Now I sit here alone in the drunk crib trying to figure out where I went wrong.  Maybe I should  have skipped lunch, or stopped after my first apple juice. Maybe I should have stayed home or maybe I shouldn’t have canceled my speech at the UN general assembly, I don’t know.  But I do know two things.  There is no way to place your foot on the floor when you are in a spinning crib, and I totally cannot wait until next Saint Patrick’s Day.  

Yours Truly,
Evil Brody

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