Bachelor In Paradise
Tuesday March 28, 2017

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Hello, and welcome to Bachelor In Paradise on ABC. In this Bachelor(ette) spinoff, which seems to be a Bachelor Pad reboot, takes several show alumni to Mexico in order to find love with each other. I can promise you tears, drama, romance and of course, dramatic rose ceremonies. 

We open with Chris Harrison giving us a preview of the season and him introducing our cast of characters. 

We have:

Clare--Juan Pablo's season

Marcus--Andi's season

Sarah--Sean's season

Marquel--Andi's season

Daniella--Sean's season

Graham--DeAnna's season

Lacy--Juan Pablo's season

Ben S.--Desiree's season (and no, his son Brody did not introduce him)

Michelle K.--Jake's season

Robert--Desiree's season

Dylan--Andi's season

Elise--Juan Pablo's season

AshLee--Sean's season

As an aside, what is up with this creepy music? It sounds like porno music meets the Unsolved Mysteries theme song. We also had a very serious wardrobe malfunction with Sarah's dress blowing up. 

Everyone mingles and claims to be attracted to one another based on looks alone. It looks like Lacy and Graham are quite the popular ones.

Chris comes back and asks if everyone is single. Michelle says maybe, which everyone questions. She says that she is single, but does not sound very convincing.

There will be date cards given out each week. If someone gets one, they will choose who they want to accompany them on the date. At the end of each week, you will be eliminated if they are not part of a couple. There will also be rose ceremonies. This is confusing, but maybe they will explain it more later?

Since there are more girls than girls, one girl will go home this week. Next week, the girls will send a guy home. 

Everyone goes to explore and get to know one another.  The guys and girls talk about what will happen if people end up falling for the same person. 

Robert and Lacy go into the water together. She is all wrapped around him, which makes Sarah uncomfortable. To be honest, none of the girls seem all to happy with Lacy being so flirty. 

 {sidebar id=8}That night, everyone is hanging out and flirting. Lacy says she goes after what she wants….so she goes after Marcus, which pisses off Sarah. She also says she will accept a rose from Robert. 

Robert is jealous and shocked by Lacy's behavior and says he won't let another guy go after the girl he wants. 

Okay, it seems like The Lacy Show because all the guys seem to be into her. 

There are a lot of hook ups, but they go so fast it is hard to keep up with who is with whom.  I feel like I could get pregnant or catch a disease watching this. Mostly, I feel second hand embarrassment. Seriously, do they realize they have their mothers, bosses, etc. watching this? 

The next morning, everyone is enjoying breakfast on the beach when the date card arrives. 

Clare has the first date in paradise. She decides to go out with Graham, which upsets AshLee. She goes upstairs to complain and pout. Sarah thinks she is crazy for being this upset over him when she only met him 24 hours ago.  Cue trash talking and tears. Even the raccoon thinks AshLee is crazy. ::Headdesk::

AshLee talks to Clare about it and convinces her to take a different guy on the date. 
She chooses Robert. 

Graham goes to talk to AshLee. 

Clare and Robert's date is in a cave, which leads to a gorgeous view.  It i is actually pretty cool and a date I would go on in real life. Apparently, you need to take your shirt off to go hiking. As they hike, they stop to take selfies. 

They also go to the beach, roll in the sand and play in the water. 

Lacy decides to continue her quest into Marcus's pants, er, heart. This is so awkward and embarrassing. It might actually be worse than the Ben/Jamie make out-by-numbers segment. 

Sarah gets a date card and decides to take Marcus. They go into a cave, which leads to an underground oasis. They jump in and kiss. 

Lacy is upset that the guys she likes both got dates. She talks to Robert about his date and finds out that they didn't even kiss. She thinks they are back on track and that he is a gentleman. 

Michelle Money arrives on the island. She was on Brad's second season and brought the crazy. I LOVED her on that season and Bachelor Pad 2. The girls are intimidated, especially when she and Graham talk. If you remember, they met and began dating on their season of Bachelor Pad. The girls wonder how AshLee will react, especially because she has a date card. 

AshLee and Graham talk and she apologizes for things being awkward. He says he was hurt when he tried to talk to her and she ignored him. 

Michelle decides to ask Marquel out on the date. She is thrilled he says yes and says we don't want to know how long it has been since she has been on a date. She is also insecure about being a single mom with stretch marks. 

Her date with Marquel consists of horseback riding. They seem to hit it off and they actually become a couple I want to root for. 

Marcus says he likes Sarah, but is more into Lacy. 

Speaking of Lacy…she gets the next date card. She chooses Robert so she can figure out what he is feeling. Marcus feels crappy about this and decides to give his rose to Sarah during the rose ceremony. 

Lacy makes out with Robert in the water. Marcus is heartbroken and is afraid of being hurt again. 
Chris Harrison tells them that two girls will be going home at the rose ceremony. Everyone now has to talk and figure out who will get roses. 

Rose ceremony time! The girls can decline roses if they are so inclined, but if they go not get a rose, they are sent home. 

Marquel is about to give out a rose when Michelle K. interrupts. She says she never made a connection with anyone while on the island, so she is going home. Chris questions her, but tells her there is a car waiting. The guys find this hilarious. Michelle M. says she always looks like she is crazy and looks like she will kill people. 

Marquel gives his rose to Michelle M. 

Graham give his rose to AshLee.

Dylan gives his rose to Elise. 

Marcus gives his rose to Lacy.

Robert gives his rose to Clare.

Ben gives his rose to Sarah. 

Daniella is sent home. I completely forgot she was even on the show. She leaves in tears. 

As an aside, the best moment was Lacy's 80/40 math. Maybe the show should have math tutors? Followed closely by people expecting I love yous after a week. A WEEK. 

Join us next week for more drama and the real reason for why Michelle M. left Bachelor in Paradise. Goodnight. 

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