Bachelor In Paradise
Tuesday March 28, 2017

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Hello, and welcome to Bachelor In Paradise on ABC. Tonight kicks off a special two night event of summer's favorite guilty pleasure and if the previews are any indication, we are in for quite a wild ride! 

We open with a recap of last week's rose ceremony. Chris B. left after an injury. Elise decided to join him, but not before he gave a rose to Michelle, who broke up with Marquel and went after Robert, who gave a rose to Sarah. Lacy and Marcus are still together, as are AshLee and Graham, who seems to not be into her as she is into him. Confused? You won't be at the end of this episode of Bachelor In Paradise.

Robert gets the first date card. Sarah hopes she gets it because he gave her a rose. Her wish comes true, because he asks her out right away. 

Michelle is in tears because Robert rejected her and she feels like an idiot. Oh, honey. You are too good for this show! Graham goes to make sure she is okay. It is sweet that they can still be friends and support each other even though they are no longer a couple. I feel bad for her, but I honestly don't think she is right for this kind of show. That being said, she changed a LOT since Brad's season and truly is one of my favorites from this franchise.

Robert and Sarah on are a boat. She is like 'I am in Sarah-dise, I got the guy and Michelle didn't, neener, neener, boo-boo!' That is all I got from that. On another note, these people should have invested in sunscreen and aloe. Just saying. 

Michelle is still whining about not having a man. Okay, I felt bad for her, but now her whining is annoying.

Cody the personal trainer/boy band-Jersey Shore reject arrives, much to the joy of Marcus and Marquel. Let the bromance begin!

He asks Clare out, which upsets Michelle. Clare takes him aside and tells him  she is with Zach. However, she agrees to talk to Zach to see what she should do. This leads to a bit of an argument because he doesn't seem to want to fight for her or give her the reaction she wants. She doesn't want her eggs in one basket, but all of his eggs are in hers. Oy, vey. Time for more pasta and Chardonnay. 

 {sidebar id=8}Clare says if he is having hesitations about her and let her walk away, then she wants no part of this.  She thinks he is wishy washy and is glad Cody wants her. 

The two of them go to talk to their friends to whine and cry. 

Clare decides to decline Cody's offer of a date. Cody decides to give the card to Marcus, who asks Lacy on a date. Let me put on my big surprise face.He declares his love for her, she is scared to say it back, they make out. There, I just saved you about five minutes of nonsense. 

Zach and Clare talk about how his eggs are in her basket. They have a make up make out session. She gushes over how happy she is about this turn of events.

Michelle is still whining.

Kalon arrives. Nobody is happy to see him because of the stuff he said about Emily Maynard's daughter. 

He acts like the desperate guy at the bar asking every girl out. They all say no. He just goes on the date by himself and makes puns about falling in love with himself--again. Despite the, um, self love, (hopefully not in THAT way on camera) I don't blame him. It looked like a pretty cool date. 

However, the talking to himself, offering himself a rose and making out with himself--I am dying. Seriously, I am rolling on the floor laughing about this. I--have no words. This is the most hilarious moment in Bachelor history. 

Jesse Kovacs arrives. Everyone is smitten and happy to see him, despite rumors that he is a playboy. He takes Jackie on the date, despite her hesitations on what he is like as a person. They enjoy wine, dinner and dancing with a band no one has ever heard of---or if we have, we don't know because we never find out who is actually performing. 

At the house, everyone is getting massages. Michelle is whining. 

AshLee is gossiping to Zach about Clare and her behavior on Juan Pablo's season. She realizes the cameras caught her talking trash and tries to make up for it.  Nobody is buying her 'guilt' and Lacy hopes she gets caught. She says people just need to be themselves. For the record, Clare and Juanny Pabs did not have sex.

Clare is notified about AshLee's gossiping. She, of course, is very upset, especially because she was so nice to her.

There is tension in the house and everyone is at a loss of what to do and how to react. Most people are upset that AshLee was being fake and gossipy. 

Clare confronts AshLee, who tries to apologize. Clare is not having any of it and refuses to accept her apology. 

Rose ceremony. There is a cocktail party of whining, pleading and who the hell cares. 

Lacy chooses Marcus.

Clare chooses Zach.

AshLee choose Graham, who bolts. 

Join us tomorrow to find out what happens. Goodnight. 

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